Let's Talk About the Elephant in the Room

The past couple of weeks have been traumatic….. to say the least.

The issue? Ageing parents and the challenge of making sure they’re safe and well cared for without overstepping or stripping away their dignity as adults who deserve to make their own decisions.

With an ageing population and people generally living longer, this is becoming a major issue for many Australian families. I often see clients planning for their own retirement while also caring for ageing parents and being called on to help with grandchildren. That’s a lot of responsibility…. emotionally, financially, and practically.

And here's something I've observed repeatedly……something shifts in many people once they hit their mid-80s, and more so into their 90s. Life often contracts to a day-by-day survival mindset. People can become more demanding, more self-focused, far more than they ever were previously.

It’s not necessarily a character flaw.  I think it’s part of what makes us human. The instinct to survive, whatever it takes.

But if good planning hasn’t taken place well before this stage, the emotional and financial impact on everyone involved can be enormous and extremely traumatic.

So what’s the solution?

From personal and professional experience, I can say this: putting your head in the sand and pretending everything will be fine is not the answer. In fact, it’s the surest way to make sure things go sideways.

The only responsible approach is to acknowledge the undeniable truth being, that as we age, we’re not able to function the way we once did. And that recognising this early gives everyone the chance to plan for staged levels of support and care.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. Many older people would rather avoid the conversation altogether.

Admitting that help might not only be beneficial, but necessary, can feel like admitting defeat. So the temptation is to sit quietly, whilst insisting “I’m managing,” and hope no one notices.

And that might work, right up until the day when something traumatic happens and the whole family is forced to deal with a crisis they didn’t see coming (but probably should have).

If you’re reading this and you’re either approaching older age yourself, or you’re supporting ageing parents, I hope this encourages you to have some honest conversations. Conversations that recognise there’s a cliff ahead… and that a bit of planning might help avoid a very painful crash.

Some questions worth exploring:

• Is the goal to remain in the family home? (It often is. But is it realistic? For example, a house with lots of stairs may make this unworkable.

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• Who is going to pick up the slack as Mum or Dad’s abilities decline? (Too often, there’s an unspoken assumption that one of the kids will step in. This can create immense guilt and resentment and for good reasons.)

• What care options are available?

• Can care be introduced gradually?

• What will it cost, and how will it be funded?

I won’t pretend these conversations are easy. And with some family dynamics, they might not even be possible. But even a small amount of planning and acceptance is better than none.

So, if you’re worried about what the future looks like for yourself or your parents, then maybe give us a call.

These situations are becoming more common, and we’re getting pretty good at helping families have the conversations they’ve been avoiding for far too long.

Let’s address the elephant in the room.